Overcoming Internalized Homophobia: How Therapy Can Help You Heal

In 2006, I remember going into my first therapy appointment. I had gotten the name of my therapist from my sister, who had been going to another therapist in the same office. Back then, Psychology Today wasn’t as popular as it is now, so I knew nothing about how my therapist felt about the gay community. I had no idea if she would accept me or not. I didn’t know if she would suggest that I enter conversion therapy or if she’d tell me I was crazy. I was scared she would call me homophobic slurs and tell me to leave her office. I felt so much shame carrying the secret that not only was I attracted to other men, but I was already in a relationship with one. Only two of my best friends knew (one was supportive and the other became very hateful and distant).

I remember sitting on my therapist’s couch. She asked me a similar question that I now ask first-time clients when I meet with them: “so what brought you to me? Why therapy? Why now?”  

She was a grandmother. Very warm. Compassionate. Wisdom lined her face in the form of wrinkles as she smiled at me.

And I broke down in tears. And I came out.

Thankfully, the experience I had with that therapist was life-saving and life-changing. Not only did she accept me and show me care, but she showed me what it was like to accept myself. She helped me come out of the closet as a gay man to my friends and family.

Now, all these years later (let’s not do the math on that one, okay?), I find myself sitting with clients and friends, alike, who are struggling to accept themselves because they identify as LGBTQ+. I find myself speaking to an organizer of an event for closeted men in hetero relationships happening in KC in October.  

While I live in a very queer little bubble I’ve created for myself, it’s not that hard to remember what life was like when I was closeted. It was a very lonely and shameful time in my life. It felt like I was in survival mode all of the time. I was lying and having to remember the lies I told my mom about who I was going to prom with. And because I was worried about whether or not I’d get kicked out, I kept making up answers to the questions she’d ask. “What color of dress is she wearing? Why are you going to prom at a different high school? When can I meet her? Why can’t I meet her parents?” And I so desperately wanted to be like, “MOM, it’s not a she. HE’S wearing a suit with a blue shirt and a black tie. You can’t meet HIM because I’m gay and I’m terrified you won’t love me the same.”

You see, when we live in the closet, we are afraid of getting rejected. It doesn’t matter if you’re still in high school or if you’re already living as a married adult. Our brain perceives hypothetical or perceived threat the very same as if it was someone threatening our life at gunpoint. It’s a terrifying time. You don’t know how your identity will change your life. Who will stay in your life and who will leave. And because our brains are wired for connection, we do everything we can to preserve the relationships we have.

So I have so much empathy for people who are still struggling to make meaning of their sexuality. It’s not an easy decision to come out in the least.

As a therapist, I take the approach where I let my clients decide if and when they are ready to come out. They get to make those decisions for themselves. But I won’t let my clients feel shame for something that they can’t change about themselves (instead I’ll help them explore that shame and learn to challenge it themselves). Being gay isn’t a choice. Being bi isn’t a choice. It’s part of who you are. And it’s nothing to feel ashamed about. Who you are is not wrong. Sometimes, it’s society that is wrong.

Yes, coming out of the closet can be a terrifying thing. But it can also be life-saving. It can be life-changing in all of the best ways.

It won’t always be sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns on the other side of the closet (it definitely will be during Pride Month, at least!), but it will feel more authentic. There may be hurdles you have to overcome such as where to live, how to support yourself, how to dissolve a marriage or relationship.

I will forever be grateful to my first therapist. She instilled a sense of hope in me that things can get better. She taught me to love myself. She helped me pave the road to self-acceptance, and while my journey is different from yours, I hope to be able to offer you the same.