Navigating Open Relationships: Tips for LGBTQ+ Couples

For LGBTQ+ Couples, deciding on whether to be open or not is the equivalent of straight couples deciding on if they want kids (yes, I know, many LGBTQ+ folx are parents, but hopefully you understand my metaphor).

All too often, I see couples opening their relationship up without first having made sure that their relationship is strong enough to handle this big change, nor have they done the work to make sure their partner is on the same page as them.

Queer Couple Wearing Rainbows

I’ve seen a lot of situations in my time as a couple’s therapist where couples who are “open” are actually engaging in a type of consensual cheating.

There are a lot of couples who do open-relationships well, so well in fact, that they communicate and empathize with each other beautifully. Just as there are parents who know how to raise their kid with a wonderful childhood, and still protect their marriage, there are open couples who know how to engage in ethical non-monogamy in ways that still prioritize their relationship.

So that’s not me being judgmental about open-relationships; in fact, I think the polyamorous community offers so much to teach monogamous couples about healthy communication and boundary setting.

Here are my ten tips on how to open your relationship successfully:

1. Know your why: Why are you wanting to open your relationship? Can you communicate this to your partner honestly?

2. Learn to communicate: Open-relationships are a lot of work (just like kids!). It’s going to require you and your partner to have a lot of really deep and meaningful conversations about feelings, desires, wants, needs, and even boundaries.

3.  Set Boundaries: Remember, a boundary isn’t about controlling your partner's behavior, but really identifying how you’ll respond when an unwelcome behavior happens; it’s more about controlling your own responses.

4. Understand and Respect Your Partner’s Limits: there are going to be things your partner just isn’t comfortable with. When you open your relationship, you’ll need to be very clear about what’s allowed and what isn’t. For example, there may be some couples who are okay with you having sex with a total stranger while you’re out of town, but they aren’t okay with you sleeping with someone else when you’re at home. Or maybe you’re allowed to sleep with other people, but you aren’t allowed to date them or be friends with them. Or you have to use condoms or can only do oral.

5. Empathize With Your Partner: There may be times when your actions hurt your partner’s feelings. Instead of trying to dismiss their worries or emotions, sit with them. Empathize with them, even if you disagree.

6. Take Accountability: If you fuck up, which I’m sure you will (because that’s a human thing to do), own it. Be upfront and honest with your person. After you’ve empathized with their feelings, apologize. People so underestimate the power of an apology. Then change the behavior or revisit the agreed upon limits (because truthfully, even the most prepared couples can encounter a situation that they didn’t plan for and realize a boundary that they didn’t know they needed).

7. Prioritize the Relationship: I’ve heard horror stories from people who have opened their relationship that the new partners only got the good parts of their partner, and they got the same naggy, critical partner they’ve been dealing with. That’s why it’s so important that you and your partner are in a good place before you open it up.

8. Don’t Open Your Relationship as a Solution: This is another common situation that happens. There are problems in the relationship and rather than addressing the problem head-on, people try to solve it by having sex with other people. Ultimately, this will end in disaster.

9. Build Trust: Trust is an equation of time plus experience. In order for couples to engage in ethical non-monogamy, there needs to be high levels of trust in place first (in other words, “will you still be there for me,” “will you respect our relationship and the agreed upon rules”).

10. Go to Therapy: For many couples, opening up their relationship is a daunting task or they rush into it without having been prepared. Couples therapy with a therapist familiar with open-relationships and ethical non-monogamy can set you, your partner, and your relationship up for success.

I hope my "Navigating Open Relationships: Tips for LGBTQ+ Couples" post has given you some direction as you and your partner consider how open-relationships could build upon the foundation you've already created!