The Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling: Strengthening Your Relationship Before You Say 'I Do'

Weddings can be one of the most exciting events of your life, but they can also be fraught with decision-making paralysis and burden the relationship with so much pressure that neither partner may have experienced before. Whether you’re trying to navigate finding the voice in the relationship and how your wedding represents you as a couple, figuring out all of the logistics and financial stressors of planning a wedding, or you’re dealing with incessant in-laws demanding they get their way; couples embarking on their wedding journey are put under so much pressure during this time.

Pressure isn’t necessarily a bad thing. First, I want you to try and think back to middle school when your science teacher might have been monotonously lecturing on how diamonds are created when carbon is put under immense pressure over millions of years. Our goal for couple’s therapy is simply to learn how to take the pressures of wedding planning and everyday life and turn your relationship into a diamond.

That’s where pre-marital counseling comes into play. The benefits of pre-marital counseling are numerous. Not only could this be a place for you and your partner to learn to communicate openly with each other without fear of judgement, enhance your intimacy and sex-life, but it can be a place to learn the valuable tools and skills necessary to ensuring your marriage lasts. Additionally, couples seeking out pre-marital counseling learn important conflict management skills, enhance their ability to empathize with each other, have a safe space to prepare for marriage (ie. finances, household responsibilities, and family planning, etc.), build relational resilience, identify new coping skills, and increase their general satisfaction and happiness in the relationship.

A lesbian couple with diverse backgrounds engaging in pre-marital counseling.

I don’t mean to scare you, but the current divorce rate in America is 42%! Studies have shown that couples who seek out pre-marital counseling have lower divorce rates than their peers, and while pre-marital therapy doesn’t guarantee a successful marriage, it does help couples highlight and understand the perpetual issues plaguing their relationship. While the divorce rate is slightly lower for LGBTQ+ couples, it still begs the question: how do we ensure our relationship lasts?

All too often, couples come to therapy by the time it’s too late. These couples struggle to communicate in ways that their partner can understand. I’ve been in sessions where it feels like one partner is speaking Spanish and the other is speaking in French, and neither of them have the ability to understand what their partner is actually saying.

So for couples who are just starting out on their love of a lifetime, learning to “speak the same language” is incredibly important. As a couple’s therapist, I can act as a translator and help you learn to understand the other and teach you how to communicate your needs in ways that your partner can actually understand. In a way, for my couples, it feels like they are having to learn a new language. But that’s the exciting and fun part of it!

A gay male couple visiting with their therapist, while one of them takes notes.

Pre-marital counseling is also the place for you to move out of the “me versus you” pursuer and withdrawer games that every dating relationship seems to start off by playing. Instead, we’ll find ways to improve trust in the relationship by prioritizing both partner’s needs.

Let me give you an example: Let’s say you and your partner have been stuck in a “me versus you” game. You get upset because your partner hasn’t been helping out around the house. You’re under so much pressure at work and you feel unappreciated. So you refuse to be intimate when your partner initiates sex because your needs aren’t getting met. In this case, you’re focused on winning the game.

Your partner feels unseen and uncared for if you win. And while you might say, “he/she gets to win AFTER I’ve won” (in other words, “I’ll have sex with you only after you’ve done the dishes.”)

In this perspective, losing feels terrible for your partner. And, because you’re already under so much pressure in life, you don’t really feel all that great after the argument you win. Instead, you probably feel exhausted, and even more drained. And the last thing you want to do is be intimate at that point.

So we change the game up. We stop playing the competitive “my needs versus your needs” game. We stop seeing our partner as “the problem.” We learn to communicate what our unmet needs are instead of turning to criticism and counter-attacks. We learn to empathize when our partner feels hurt or unappreciated; and while that doesn’t mean we give up on trying to get our own needs met, it does invite your partner to be more empathetic with you when you’re feeling similarly.

Couples who attend pre-marital counseling are able to strengthen their relationship before they say, “I do.” They are able to deepen their emotional connection with one another and feel seen and heard, maybe for the first time in their life.

It may be shocking, but every relationship has it’s own set of issues. In fact, 69% (heh) of the problems in a relationship aren’t solvable! These are called “perpetual problems.” And, in couple’s therapy, you’ll learn how to respond to these issues in an empathetic and caring way, even when the problem annoys you like hearing nails on a chalkboard (well, try to at least).

There are numerous benefits to pre-marital counseling, some of which I’ve been able to address here, and others that I may have forgotten to mention. However, couples who invest in their relationship by strengthening their trust and commitment are able to communicate freely without judgement, empathize and feel understood, increase their sexual and relationship satisfaction and happiness, and learn how to navigate and prepare for the inevitable challenges that long-term relationships will likely have.

If you and your partner are setting out on the adventure of a lifetime and would like to learn more about how pre-marital or pre-committal therapy could benefit you, reach out to us and schedule a consult. We would love to hear more about what makes your relationship unique and what goals you have for the life you’re building together.