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When your partner is navigating their own mental health journey and they come to you for comfort or support, it can sometimes be difficult for you to relate to them if you’ve never experienced any issues with your own mental health. Maybe you’ve never been depressed and don’t know how to comfort your partner when their depression is at its worst. Or you feel helpless and don’t know what to do when your partner has a panic attack. Maybe they experienced childhood trauma and your childhood was great, so you don’t know how to relate and are overwhelmed by it. Or maybe they’re grieving and grief just makes you… uncomfortable (like the majority of people).
Your response to your partner when they’re dysregulated is so incredibly important. One of the most common experiences people face when they’re navigating their mental health is the failure of others to understand what it is they’re going through. And that might even make their symptoms worsen.
First, let me just say, it can be really hard being in relationship with someone struggling with their mental health. It takes a toll on you, too. That’s why it’s so important for you to embrace self-care so that you have the ability to also care for your partner when they’re struggling. Make sure you have your own support system (maybe that even includes your own therapist) to turn to, so that you’re also getting the care you need.
Remember, it’s not your job to be your partner’s therapist. But it is your job to be their partner. To be there for them and comfort them in the ways that you have the capacity to do.
When your partner comes to you for support, they aren’t often looking for advice or solutions. They don’t need you to “fix” the problem or to even “fix” them. Instead, they’re making a genuine bid for connection. They want to feel understood by you, to feel seen, to feel like they matter.
Some things not to say would be (believe it or not, these are things I’ve actually heard clients tell me they’ve been told!):
“If you’d just do [insert solution], you’d feel better!”
“Just don’t worry about it. That’s what I do.”
“You need to just get over it already!”
“Oh my god, you’re just too much sometimes. So dramatic!”
“You’re crazy for thinking that way! That wouldn’t even happen.”
[Just silence.]
Maybe you can get the sense from that list of why it wouldn’t really feel good being told those things when you’re looking for connection or comfort. Maybe not- and if so, that’s okay. Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
When people are struggling with their mental health and turn to you, they are needing you to comfort them. Maybe they need an ear to just listen. Having someone listen to them and then just go, “here’s the solution that fixes all your problems,” can feel really invalidating. It undermines their ability to solve their own problems. It makes them feel like you think they’re stupid for not already having thought of that solution.
But how should you respond and support your person when they’re struggling?
Show up. Be there for them, even if they try to push you away. This could sound like, “I see you’re struggling and I know you want some alone time. I’m just going to sit here on the couch with you.”
Hold them. There is scientific evidence that when someone is dysregulated and their partner holds their hand, their entire nervous system calms down and regulates. It’s one of those weird brain facts I’m a fan of. In order for this to work though, there needs to be high levels of trust in your relationship already.
Validate them, even if you disagree with their perspective. Simple things to say might be “That really sucks,” “I can see why you’d feel that way,” or even, “I hear you saying that everything feels really overwhelming. That has to feel so lonely.”
Show them love in the ways that you naturally give it AND the ways that they naturally receive it. So, listen, I know that the guy (Gary Chapman) who created the five love languages is problematic, and the idea has been discredited, but everyone has heard of the love languages and it’s an easy way to understand this concept. If your partner receives love through quality time, but the way you naturally express love is through gift giving, you might need to find ways to compromise. In that example, maybe spending more time with them is a way to show them you care, that they’re seen. You might still buy them ice cream if that’s your go to, but you’re making the effort to love them in the language they naturally speak.
Be patient with them. Let them feel their feelings. Don’t try to fix it or make them happy. They are feeling these emotions for a reason. It’s hard to watch a loved one struggle, but when you’re sitting next to them in it, they aren’t alone.
Ultimately, when you're understanding and supporting your partner with a mental health disorder, I hope you walk away with the gentle reminder to take care of yourself. Relationships aren’t always easy, especially when mental health disorders are part of the equation. You need to take care of yourself, as well. I also hope you walk away with a few new skills and tools to better support your loved one.
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