Is Jealousy Inevitable in Open Relationships?

More and more couples are becoming open to the idea of moving beyond monogamy and embracing the excitement, rush, and fun of having sex with other people.

When you’re in a long-term and committed relationship, it is only a matter of time before sex with the same person can lose the passion and excitement that was there in the early days of your love. For some, finding ways of reclaiming this passion can be done by intentionally working to rekindle the flame monogamously, either in therapy or by visiting one’s local sex shop.

But for the couples who want to open their relationship and allow each partner to play together or separately with other people, there remains a glaring issue. What to do about jealousy? Is jealousy inevitable in open-relationships? How will you handle an emotion that can be so intense, it creates more problems than it does solve them?

Before we get into what to do with jealousy, we first need to understand what that emotion is and what it feels like. Often, I’ll have my clients identify where they feel the emotion within their body. Typical places within the body that we hold emotion include the throat, upper chest, shoulders, abdomen, stomach, knees, and hands; but intense and avoided emotions can even manifest as other aches and pains within the body. Once we can identify where we feel the emotion, then we can start to do something about it. As a former professor of mine always said, “once we can name it, we can tame it.”

Jealousy represents a greater problem in a relationship: insecurity and a lack of trust. When people feel jealous, they are really trying to say, “I’m worried you’re going to leave me” or “I feel insecure that I’m not good enough for you.”

A couple sitting on a park bench, with one person looking away and appearing upset while the other tries to comfort them

From an attachment perspective, jealousy is activating the part of the brain that is constantly scanning for real or perceived threats to our very survival and the survival of our relationships. While our brain is great at a number of things, it has a really hard time differentiating between a real threat to our survival and perceived threats. So having the thought that your partner is cheating on you, even when there is no evidence to suggest that, is interpreted by the amygdala as a real threat which then sends out messages to other parts of the brain and body to ensure survival (including aggressive behavior).

When couples open their relationship without a solid foundation of trust in both their partner and the stability of their relationship, they inevitably invite jealousy into the picture.

Jealous partners might start feeling emotionally flooded when you mention another person or when they think about you having sex with someone else. You don’t even have to be straying from monogamy for jealousy to exist within your relationship. These jealous partners might start watching you like a hawk, both online and in person. They become hyperaware of anything and everything you say or do, reading between the lines and searching for more evidence that you’ve hurt them or will hurt them. They may start even trying to control your behaviors in whatever ways they can or find ways to make you share in their pain by making you jealous of what they’re doing.

If you start seeing the signs of jealousy showing up in yourself or in your partner, what should you do about it?

I always advocate for working with a qualified therapist who is familiar with ethical non-monogamy to help you navigate these feelings and understand them on a deeper level.

There is no one-size fits all approach to any emotion, relationship, or thought pattern. Each situation requires specialized interventions tailored to the person(s) and unique relationship structure.

However, if you start noticing these signs of jealousy, this is your cue to begin strengthening trust and communication with your partner.

When feelings of jealousy are left untreated, it can be easy for couples to spiral into nasty conflicts and situations where it becomes a “me versus you” dynamic, where each partner is only looking out for their own best interests. And that’s not helpful to the mental health or well-being to either partner; nor is it a dynamic that will keep the walls of trust and commitment intact. In some circumstances, it can even spell doom for the longevity of the relationship.