Fight Right: Ways to Navigate Big Arguments

Many healthy couples fight. It's part of being in relationship. But, in the moment, it can feel especially overwhelming when your heart is beating over 100 bpm, and you can't think straight. That's called "emotional flooding."

If you and your partner have a blow-up fight, and you recognize that you're spinning the wheels and getting emotionally reactive, the best thing you can do is to take a break. But, it's important that you set breaks lovingly and correctly.

No one likes to be left alone in the uncertainty of if their partner will come back, and it's quite mean to leave your partner hanging with no idea of when you'll work through the argument. That's why it's so incredibly important that you give your partner a clear time when you'll return to the conversation. The break should be just long enough for you to both regulate and calm down, but not so long that your partner starts to spiral. Experts recommend the ideal break lasts between thirty minutes to one hour, but no more than that.

When you are on the break, focus on slowing down your breathing. Use reflective coping skills like meditation or journaling. Try to see if you can find what unmet need it is you're trying to express, and when you feel your heart beat slowing down, try to get a better idea of what unmet need your partner is trying to ask for.

 After the break time is up, reconnect with your partner, even if it's just to check in and let them know you need to hit pause on the conversation, do something less stressful together, and return to the conversation at a scheduled time the next day. When you return to the conversation, try to listen this time with the goal of understanding your partner, rather than trying to win.

 For more skills, you might consider working with one of our therapists to improve your communication strategies.